Don't mess with mature ladies!

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Source: http://www.malaysian-explorer.com/jokes-speedingLady.html

Ha...ha....

George Burns quotes:

• Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
• Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
• By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it

Bob Hope quotes:

1. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
2. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
3. Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle!

Aging gracefully!

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

Quote - Bob Hope

Clip art credited to www.picturesof.net

Enjoy today!

A friend sent me this today. Think I'll share this here:


TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN,YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE; SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

What the elderly do to have a little fun

My friend sent me this elderly humour several days ago. I think it is nice..hehe...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a--hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Bev called him a “s--t head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Source: unknown

We are already there!

Source: unknown

Look on the bright side!

Good bye to tension!

Dedicated to several of my friends (you know who you are) who will be joining me in the pensioners club soon.

Getting old is chic!

"Getting old is chic, the rustic look is in".
-author unknown

How young you look!

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

-Mark Twain

Do you think I will live to be 80?

A man recently turned 65 and did a comprehensive medical examination. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said he was doing 'fairly well' for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, he asked the doctor, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

The doctor asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no,"he said.
The doctor asked "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"No, I usually stay home and keep to myself," he said.
The doctor asked"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
"No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!", he said.
The doctor asked "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," he said.

The doctor looked at him and said, "Then why do you care?"

Source: http://www.jokesaboutage.com/will-i-live-to-be-80.html

Some hard truths!

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

Extracted from: http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor264.htm

Ke...ke...ke...

The seven dwarfs

Remember the 7 Dwarfs- Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy?

What happen when they grow old?

Source: http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/

I can identify with not one but several of them! ke...ke...ke...

Just for giggles

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Who gives a shit?

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The elderly lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the elderly lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third Child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the little old Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady." Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" The little elderly Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

Credit to: http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/

Keke...ka...ka...

Ha ha!

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

- George Burns

Funny cartoons

The Trouble with golfing in old age!

Any Way you lose

Check out this site: http://seniorcitizenhumor.blogspot.com/

We have something in common

Credit to: http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/Seniors.htm

True?

We don't stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.

Quote George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) Irish novelist, playright and critic. Winner of Nobel prize for literature

Great truths about growing Old!

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!

When you fall down you wonder what else you can do while you are down there!

It is frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody asks for you opinion!

With age comes wisdom but sometimes age comes alone!

Source: http://www.funnyfly.com/growold.shtml